Am I who I want to be?

This is something I ask myself just about everyday. Generally, it hits me in the morning shower. It's a good place to be introspective. I mean, not only are you naked, but you're practically feeling every imperfection of your body as you scrub away the grime. You start thinking "Damn, I need to do more sit-ups." as you scrub your belly or "Why don't I ever think before I eat?" and you start to observe yourself a bit more below the surface. This cleansing nakedness is a bit poetic, don't you think? You're starting a new day; a fresh new beginning. As you wash away the funk, the smell, the dirt of yesterday, you are starting anew to face the world. 

Let me just branch out on a tangent for a spell.

Lately, I've become a grooming product whore. I've begun to appreciate the effects that total cleanliness has on my day. It surely affects my confidence, energy and motivation. I'm more likely to have a productive day if I started it fresh and clean. I like to take my time too - I don't care how early I have to wake up. This may make me a girl, but I frankly don't care. Maybe it's genetic. My mother used to always wake up hours before she had to go to work because she considered it "her time". I find it therapeudic to the soul. A cleansing ritual. I love it. So I am a sad, weakling when it comes to the personal grooming aisles at Walgreens. Seriously, I could spend hours in one aisle debating over which lotion ingredient has the best effect on my skin or what kind of mouthwash will fight plaque and whiten my teeth... I don't find it to be narcissistic by any means - just simply indecisive.

Now I'll take it back to my point.

It is at this point of the day (the morning shower) that I ask myself "Am I who I want to be?" I try to be honest with myself and determine if I'm truly happy or not - or at least content. Am I progressing? How fast? Has it changed since the day before? By how much? Where was I this time last year? Am I a better man than I was then? What have I learned since then? How did I handle my problems then compared to now? How did I treat others then compared to now? Was I surrounded by those I loved? Am I still surrounded by them? If not, why? Who've I had to say goodbye to and to whom have I said hello? Am I a good friend? Am I a good person? Would I want to hang around myself if I were someone else?

I examine my past actions, current state and future goals. I wrestle with how to correct the problems of the past (or at least learn from them), be content with what I have in the present, and how to reach those goals of the future. I believe the most important of these is the present - particularly when it comes to work since I'm following the profession of what makes me the happiest. I find that whatever I am doing, I need to find a way to love, with all of my heart, whatever it is. It could be crap. I could be doing Joseph and the... Dreamcoat again as devastating as that may be, but for the sake of my sanity and the quality of my work, I need to find the parts that make me happy and focus on them. 

I also examine my environment. Is it where I want to be? Am I surrounded by people who care about me? It all has a daily effect on who a person is and who they are becoming. I find it important to live in a healthy environment with healthy people involved, because I know who I am and how I work. I'm a total Pisces. 

These are what go through my head as I shower. Now you know what's in my head when I'm naked... But then I step out, dress myself (if I remember) and face the world the best way I know how with a clean, fresh start - knowing full well I'm bound to pick up something I'll want to wash off the next morning, but at least I'm hitting it fresh and new.